Australian Idol: Celebrating Mediocrity Since 2003

I have been toying with the idea of writing about Australian Idol for a while but quite frankly, I couldn’t really give a stuff… that was until I watched last Sunday’s episode and found myself yelling at the telly.

Is this the best we can do? There is one person left in the top 6 that I think is any good. The rest… goodness, where do you start… the rest would seem out of place in a high school musical. In fact, they would be lucky to get cast.

Allow me to update you with where the contestants are currently at:

Toby Moulton

For someone who is not only the wrong side of 27, Toby also comes across with as much presence as a cardboard cut-out and as much musical ability as a block of wood. A career playing NSW Leagues clubs beckons. Points off for attributing his "success" so far to God.

Kate Cook

Kate is this year’s token country act. She has a pleasant singing voice and handles gentle girlie ballads quite well (her version of “Landslide” a couple of weeks ago was fairly good). This week, she “performed” “Son of a Preacher Man”. Apart from the fact that you can hardly see her under that stupid hat (yes Kate, we KNOW you’re a country act…), Kate ambled around the stage and delivered the most pedestrian version of this song I have ever heard. She will be in the bottom three again and could actually be sent home. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing.

James Johnston

James looks like he’s about 12 and sings like he just finished going through puberty. His performance of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” this week was his attempt to do an Anthony-Callea-The-Prayer moment. It failed, but the kid has got guts and a modicum of talent. I see musical theatre in his future. Lots of musical theatre.

Nathan Brake

This guy can camp it up with the best of them. He’s got a pretty good voice, looks good on the TV and comes across as being quite an engaging performer. This week’s version of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” benefited from some great visual effects (something that the other contestants didn’t seem to get much of…) and should be enough to see him go through for another couple of weeks. He won’t win though.

Stan Walker

This guy should win. Hands down he is the best thing the show has got going for it. There is a really nice tone to his voice and unlike all the other contestants, he can actually move on stage. What is it with Australian singers? None of them can dance. Points off though for a mediocre version of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”. How could you not channel Freddie Mercury and prance about the stage for this one?

Hayley Warner

The funniest moment of the night was after Hayley had performed a soporific version of Powderfinger’s “These Days” (I’m falling asleep just thinking about it…) and guest judge Liza Minelli said, “That wasn't the one you played for me earlier was it? I think I’ll wait for that one”. She’s not Liza with a “Z”. She’s Diplomacy with a “D”. Hayley should make it into the final two but she will lose to Stan.

I am going to refrain from judging the judges because apart from the fact it would be like shooting fish in a barrel, with this current crop of seriously under-talented people to work with, they’re already in enough pain.